We'll Get Off Our Asses & Kick Uptight's Ass...Eventually

Uptight was racking up the miles in the Nike Challenge, but now he is wounded. Time for Awesome and Chivas to step in and take the lead! We may not be much to look at now, but get ready!

Once we start running they'll be no stopping us! Right Chivas? Right!

We'll wonder if the second loneliest boy in the world is feeding pizza to the fishies

Uptight, Chivas misses being your daughter, but was baffled at your response when you found out that she has been adopted by Slothbaker - it almost seemed like you expected her betrayal. And you know what? It hurt. And it hurt deep. A girl just wants a Dad who will hug her - is that too much to ask?

Now that Chivas has been officially adopted by Slothbaker, we have to wonder... what's there left for Uptight? Are his days spent feeding pizzas to the fishies? It is safe to assume that Uptight has become the world's second loneliest boy. (We all know that Waymond is the world's original loneliest boy since he doesn't have his own friends and instead dreams of hanging out with his hot wife Chivas' friends.)

Chivas is known to have a big heart and she will not hold grudges against Uptight. Chivas would like to dedicate Andrew Gold's Lonely Boy to her former cold and uptight father to celebrate his new title of "the world's second loneliest boy". Here are lyrics to the chorus.

Oh, oh, what a lonely boy

Oh, what a lonely boy

Oh, what a lonely boy

Two of Uptight's new friends made friends with Chivas and texted over their picture. For the rest of the gang - meet Julie and Jill. They were very lonely before and only had each other to lean on, but they told me that they really appreciate Uptight's daily visits - and his pizza, of course!

We'll Find Another Tall Bland White Guy

Missing the droll, extremely literal conversational skills that only a fly white guy can bring to the table, Awesome set out to find herself a suitable replacement for Uptight. Awesome reached into the past, and brought Jody back out into the light!

Uptight, no need to worry about Awesome being lonely anymore. She's being entertained by Jody as we speak. Oh and guess what! We just learned Jody knows how to play backgammon! Would love to stay and chat, but Awesome's gotta go roll some dice with her new best bud!

URGENT UPDATE!! Awesome and Chivas just learned that Jody has known how to play Nertz since childhood. Right now he is rockin' the solitare pile while bopping to the Bronski Beat. This guy can play Nertz and dance?! Wow. The ladies are impressed.

We'll hear Chivas say, "It is nice to have a Dad who will hug me!"

Well Uptight, the time has come to bring forth yet another betrayal by Slothbaker with one of your women friends. Well, someone more than a friend - your daughter.

Chivas didn't want to wait out six cold months nourishing herself on the hope that maybe her father would return home a changed man ready to show her some affection. Just give her a hug, or laugh at a double entendre. Maybe listen raptly to a story about her sex life. The simple things every young girl yearns for. Enter Slothbaker.

Chivas was taken with Slothbaker the first time they spoke on the phone in Awesome's office. Not even needing to meet the man, she decided she'd found the replacement dad for her. So today upon meeting, those crazy kids made it official.

Slothbaker has adopted Chivas! Slothbaker presented the official adoption papers to Chivas at a celebratory lunch, and they sealed the deal with a warm father/daughter hug outside in the San Francisco sunshine. After breaking their embrace Chivas smiled and sighed, "It is nice to have a Dad who will hug me!" Let's all join in and congratulate the happy duo!

We'll party like there is no tomorrow and tell Uptight that he did well on his white elephant gift!

As the adopted daughter and representative of the Uptight household while Uptight is overseas, Chivas proudly presented Uptight's white elephant gifts at the Holiday Party yesterday. RedRock did the honor of officially playing the game on behalf of Uptight.

Here's the "good" gift (well, of course you can tell Chivas picked this):

AND here is the "bad" gift... well, it's a "redemption coupon" for the bad gift since Chivas could not unlock Uptight's lateral cabinet where he kept the gift.

Since the picture above is quite small, I have included the text on the Redemption Coupon here for Uptight to enjoy.

REDEMPTION COUPON

Present this coupon to redeem the framed replica of The Captain is MAGNIFICENT signed by Awesome.* You may redeem in one of two ways:

1) Present coupon to Uptight upon his return in May 2009
Or
2) Present coupon to Chivas if she successfully breaks into Uptight's lateral file cabinet before he returns

You must present coupon to redeem. Do not discard.

*The Captain is MAGNIFICENT by international renowned artist Awesome is an original art piece from the Uptight Fine Arts Collection. Not only does Awesome demonstrate her master art skills in this piece, the overwhelming display of emotions expressed in the simple yet delicate purple phrases truly makes Awesome one of the most coveted artists since Michelangelo. This replica would not have been possible without the generous offer of Uptight.

♦ No cash value ♦ Expires December 31, 2009 ♦

Uptight - you did well! Chivas and Red Rock were proud to represent you.